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Women’s Blogs: Fearlessness in Women
I’ve been reading this guy’s web site… Yeah, I know, he’s a guy, and this is a women’s blog. Still, I love this guy, StevePavlina.com, because he is just strange enough to make me feel that I know him - quirky in all the right ways, and definitely an inspiration. So… we’ll make him an honorary RantingWoman for the time being…
I was reading his entry tonight on fearlessness, and realize that I do pretty well in this area. Unfortunately, my fearlessness is usually driven by anger, which is not always a good thing.
The thing is, lately I’ve been trying to face the hard fact that I will someday, if not someday soon, have to make my way in the world alone. My husband is terminally ill with cancer, and I am angry at the world right now. It’s not fair. Why me? All that and more. I try not to wallow in it, because it’s not “my turn.” It is HIS turn to wallow in whatever he wants… and I can deal with my own self-pity, anger and fear later.
Most important, I am suppressing all anger at HIM right now, because how will I live with myself if I remember these months as an argument and tirade that went on without end? All through these hot months of Louisiana summer… we just wait. I cannot afford to be angry with him for turning his back on the natural cures that are healing him. Who am I to force him to live?
So in my own defensive way, I embrace fearlessness as my only option. I turn my anger toward something productive, thinking I will blaze a new trail, start another business, and be one of those brave women who do not cry in the face of impending doom. We get tough.
But anger is only good for starting new things, not so much for finishing. I find that as my anger flares, I can create a fifty-page web site in one night. I can build my own world (damnit!) by typing and smoking and drinking coffee (damnit!) while he sleeps. The hard part is seeing past the completion of the site, turning off the coffee pot at midnight, and crawling into my bed, my sick husband hanging on to life beside me… and seeing the future long enough to see my goals through to the end. I lose steam. I lose my vision, usually allowing the fear to return.
So I’m reading Steve, for therapy. He is very strange, and his “wierd experiments” are fun to follow, but also have a core of brilliance and sincerity that speaks to my state of mind. This guys really does get paid for being “out there,” and his message, in general, is to be who you are… and let the chips fall where they may. His chips have fallen into a nice online income, and I say, “Bravo, Steve!” and wish I could find a way to do the same.
But you do see the difference, don’t you? His fearlessness comes from a place of “What the hell?” and mine comes from desperation and beligerence, as often seen in teenagers. I am going to lose the battle I’m in right now… so I’ll take on others and win. Not the right motivation. Not the clearness of vision it takes to truly be fearless.
Joe Vitale, a marketing guru, talks about “getting clear” before taking on anything new. “Getting clear” is all about purity of motive, I know. And it’s also about going forward with the right intentions, with a graceful heart, and with the staying power in each project that comes from a spiritual basis for everything good and right that we want to do. I need to “get clear,” and I need to find my fearlessness in the field of “infinite possibility,” not “infinite anger.”
So that is my new project, before taking on any others. Whatever the next few months hold, I must not escape into anger, building imaginary empires to get revenge on the gods. I hold onto his words, read more, look into the faces of my family, and try to find my fearlessness in a frozen moment.
Thanks, Steve, for the words. As they say, The Word is made flesh - and your word is the Genesis of this day for me.
Anne Pierson, Editor
Tags: women blogs, women issues, women authors, Angry Women
